my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
