did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
