I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
its not stalking. its research.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
