I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
