I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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