Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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