i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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