you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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