if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How does one acquire holy water?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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