I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
