yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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