ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
