When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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