I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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