My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
