I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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