Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating