Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
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It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hippo gnu deer
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
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My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.