I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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