my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
