dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
