she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
