He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
