I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
