too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
