You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
So squirting runs in the family.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
