he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
