just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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