Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
