i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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