Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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