I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
organizing the empties. That sober.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.