JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
