If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize