i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
