My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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