My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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