I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
