What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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