Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
