We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
