Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
