rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
