Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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