i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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