My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
