Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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