I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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