Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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