Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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