I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
