matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize