You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
