you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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